Heaven help us, we were so stressed out with our own regular work we almost for got to take the tax-season stress test this year.
But a good friend and colleague reminded us in the nick of time…and made it sound like a mighty high priority: “I just hung up my speaker phone after a one hour wait” he told us “And once they cut off the elevator music, I couldn’t really tell for sure if I was still connected, which I think is part of their plan” he said. So here’s the poop, agent-by-agent, on the three calls we made to each of the four “biggies” on the 14th and 15th of April:
AST:
April 14th @ 11:10 a.m. Answered on one ring with a recorded message asking us to press one if we were a shareholder and two if we were a prospective shareholder or broker dealer, followed by a message about “longer than normal wait times” and the info that a 1099 MAY be available on their website. “Please call back during non-peak hours”…followed by a sound that we thought was a disconnect, but we hung in…followed by “Please hold”…then some harp music with an orchestral background for one minute…then another apology…then, after 1 ó minutes more, a person. “Do you have any information about Duke Realty?” we asked, “and if they have a dividend reinvestment or direct stock purchase plan?” Nikko, in Brooklyn took one minute to look, then took our name and address…and yes, by golly, we got the Plan materials a few days later. All in? Five minutes.
April 14th @ 3:14 p.m. Answered on one ring again, with the same message about wait times…then 1min/45 secs on hold, to that basically soothing harp music. Then an apology, then harp for 3mins/27 secs before the next apology… more harp…an apology after 5mins/38 secs…then a person. “Are you the agent for Wachovia Bank…and do they have a Direct Stock Purchase Plan?” (Thank God they don’t, with the benefit of hindsight!) “Sorry, you would have to purchase 50 shares from a broker first, then you could enroll in the plan and buy more.” OK…only 5 mins/ 45 secs all-in.
April 15th – D-Day – at 12:30 Answered as before, but wow, only a 1min/39 second wait to a live operator…on DDay. “Does Yum have a direct stock purchase plan?” we asked. “Do you have access to the internet?” (This, usually, is T-A code for ‘get off the line and find the answer for yourself’)… and Yes, we admitted. “But we would like to read a hard copy of the documents.” No problem. “And can we buy shares of YUM over the web if we want to?” “Yes…just go to www.amstock.com …enter Y for Yum, and you can purchase.” Total time expended here, a mere 3mins/55 secs to get what we wanted.
BNY MELLON:
April 14th @ 1:16 p.m. We dial the number, get a recorded message, then, “To speak to an operator press pound” which we do. “Please enter your Investor ID number” which we didn’t know…so we entered our TIN. “Your call will be answered momentarily…we apologize for the inconvenience” …which we took to be a bad sign, since we hadn’t had any inconvenience…yet. Then, dead silence…then a very faint, hollow echo on the line: We began to understand what our buddy was trying to tell us. After seven minutes in the dead zone – with no apologies, no estimated wait times…no nothin’ to tell us they, and we might still be connected – we were set to hang up…but hell, let’s hang on a bit more…and at 7 mins/20 secs…a person..to tell us, we hoped about our Hershey Foods holdings, all of which they held. “Can I have your Investor ID?” “No, sorry, I don’t have one…or if I do, I don’t know it. How about my Social Security number?” No good: “We will have to go through an online authorization program…bear with me for one second” the nice young lady told us. “We have to go through some scripting, to guard against wrongful access.” “But I can give you my name, address and social security number, which I know you have on file…and which is good enough for every agent I’ve called…and at my bank it’s good enough to let me move my money…and all I’m looking for here is a bit of information” we pushed back. “This will only take a few seconds” she promised. “Can I have your date of birth? Then I’ll give you three multiple choice questions. It will be easy…I’m loading the first question…Oh my goodness, I have four names (which she read me). Can you tell me the age of XXX?? (the maiden name of my oldest daughter-in-law! What’s going on here?? BNY-Mel seems to know more about US than we would normally want a temp to have, thought we, and as we later discovered, all this info had been exported to Canada…But we figured we’d go on, and thank goodness, we guessed right about D-O-L’s age). “Can you tell me the date of birth of XXX (our youngest son, where, once again, we needed to venture a guess as to the year…Hey, we have two others besides). “Very good” (apparently, 2 out of 3 is OK with BNY-Mel). “Your Investor ID is (a twelve digit number!). What would you like to know?” “Can you just tell me the total dividend I received in 2007?” By now, we had been on the phone for 12 and a half minutes! “Let me put you on hold for a quick second”…then, after 30 of them she came back with the answer. All in? Thirteen fun-filled minutes.
April 14th– at 3:30 p.m. We dial the toll free number for Pepsico, which is answered on no rings by a robotic voice, thanking us for calling Pepsico, and the information that “for your convenience (?) you can access your account online”…followed by a menu with more than 20 options, which we can maybe shortcut if we “say ‘shortcut’, or ‘help’. Guess which one we shouted out. “I will transfer your call…For faster service, if you know your Investor ID please enter it now.” Normally, we wouldn’t do this…but after the last call we figured we all needed every break we could get. At 2 mins/20 seconds we got Brandon in Hamilton, Ontario, who was able to answer our question right away.
April 15th – D-Day - @ 12:34 p.m. We dial the toll free number for JPMorgan Chase, which gets picked up on NO rings…Then a welcome…a menu, where we press for an operator…then a request for the dreaded Investor ID, which we failed to tattoo on our arm, so we enter our TIN instead. “We are experiencing longer than average delays…The estimated wait-time can be greater than five minutes. This will be the last recorded message you will hear.” (A big improvement over yesterday, we figure: sort of an estimated wait time…and some music to let us know we’re still in line).
After almost 12 minutes we’re told that “if you are JPMorgan employee, and you sold stock in 2007, please be informed that there is a dedicated number…” At 14 minutes, we realize it’s lunchtime, so we put the phone on speaker…get out some ham, some cheese, butter, bread, and begin to make ourselves a grilled cheese sandwich. It’s barely on the griddle when a person comes on to ask for the investor ID. Just shy of 17 minutes on the phone, we begin a new “authentication process.” “I am going to ask a series of multiple choice questions, obtained from public data-bases…but first, your mailing address and date of birth please. Now for the questions… Some have more than one right answer. They are time sensitive…so please answer as quickly as you can…I will read four names…Which ones have you done business with?” (This is kind of fun in a weird sort of way, and a bit like having one’s fortune told…but having one’s real ‘fortune’ revealed to someone you don’t even know, besides). Of the four names, one was a business that one son owned, then sold we told her…but we never ‘did business’ with them. The second was number-three son again. The third was Sees? Or Sea’s? or maybe Seize-Tees No match, said we…and the fourth was our daughter in law’s maiden name again. “Does she own property?” our fortune teller (who was really a lovely sounding lady, despite the totally impertinent questions she was obliged to ask) wanted to know? “If she does, it’s probably jointly, under her married name” and this seems to be good enough to get a passing grade, the Investor ID and the info we wanted. By now, the sandwich had been eaten…and more than 22 minutes had gone by. “Where are you located?” we asked, wondering where all this personal information had been assembled for the quiz…and where all our personal account info was clearly visible on her computer screen: “Manila, in the Philippines.”
COMPUTERSHARE:
April 14th @ 12:30 p.m. We dial a toll free number we had for Mattell, and it’s answered on one ring. “If you are a shareholder of Mattell, and you have a specific question, press 1; for tax information, press 2.” OK we figure, let’s try the automated system, and we get the info right away…then info on how to get a replacement copy if we want one…then pound, for other choices. We’re in for a minute now….then six more options…then two more, “or press O for an operator” which we do. Mirabile dictu, in 30 secs we hear “Hi” from a live rep. “Can you tell us if we made a sale of Mattell in 2007?” we ask. “Sure” and she begins to sing as she looks: “Bum, bum, bum…do-too-too…do…You didn’t make a sale, but you transferred out some shares to a broker…on March 1st.” Mystery solved: “You sure sound happy today!” “You gotta be” she replies cheerily. “Where are you working from?” we want to know. “Canton, Mass.” All and all done in 4 ½ minutes!
April 14th @ 3:25 p.m. We dial the toll free number we have for AT&T, which is answered on the first ring. “For dividend information, please enter your tax ID number, which we do. “We have some important tax information for you” the AT&T fem-bot tells us cheerfully, and we get the 1099 info on the spot. We feel happy. “To continue, just remain on the line”…where we get four options, then our favorite, to reach a service rep, press 5. “We’re sorry to keep you waiting…we anticipate your wait to be”…and then, oh joy again, the line starts to ring through…and we get a person. “Can I have the full name and address on your account?”…and we discover, to our chagrin, that we need to give them an address correction. No problem. “Did we sell any shares of AT&T in 2007?” No…but, sure enough, we delivered some to our broker here too. All done in 4 minutes, fifty-one seconds, by a helpful person “outside of Boston.”
April 15th @ 12:58 We dial the toll free number we have for Sunoco, which, once again, gets picked up before the first ring is done: “To access your account, enter your Social Security number or Taxpayer ID.” “What?” we wonder, “No third-born’s birthday, or daughter-in-law’s approximate age, weight and Tee-size? Or the make and model of our car?” Once again, the system anticipates what’s usually Question Number-One on April 15th and gives us the 2007 dividend total…in one minute flat. Forging ahead, we press O for a person…and after holding 1 minute and 33 secs we get one. “Did we sell any Sunoco in 2007?” we ask…and thank goodness we did not, since it’s been going up nicely since March. Nor did we move any to our nephew the broker. “Where are you located?” we asked…and this time, it’s Edison, New Jersey. All done in 5 mins/53 secs.
WELLS FARGO SHAREOWNER SERVICES
April 14th @ 12:35 p.m. We dial the toll free number for Kraft Foods, which was on an old statement, knowing that Kraft had just moved to WFB a short time ago. The number’s still good, of course, and it’s answered on one ring. “To obtain information about your account, press 1…Please enter your social security number”…and we promptly get the balance in our account…then nine – count’em nine options… but no option for tax info, so we press O. “Dunk..dunk..dadunk” goes the automated switcheroo, then some of the worst music we’ve ever heard: a pounding piano, surrounded by an aimlessly drifting orchestral wail…punctuated every 15 seconds or so by “thanks for holding…the next available representative will be with you shortly”…for 6 excruciating minutes and 15 seconds of pounding piano. “Can you tell me how much we received in dividends from Kraft in 2007?” “So sorry, we just acquired Kraft from another agent a few months ago…you will have to call the former agent” (not the ideal handoff of year-end data think we, but at least she gives us the number…and it one of the faster agents this year.) All in - eight minutes.
April 14th @ 3:30 p.m. We dial the toll free number for Eli Lilly. After eight rings, we hear “Thank you for calling Eli Lilly shareholder relations. Currently, we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes. To obtain tax information press 6…otherwise, please hold for the next available representative.” We hold for five minutes of some barely audible (thank God) jazz piano music…But midway, the relentless tick-tock beat seems to be mocking us…and them too. Then come some horns…slightly louder, and more upbeat…which makes us think we’re getting closer. No. And the horns swing to the same tick tock beat too. Yikes! At 8 minutes and change we get some guitar music, and the news that they have walk-in office hours. Too late to start walking to St. Paul now. At 17 minutes comes a moaning jazz horn solo, with some tinkling piano music in the background…which reminds us…It’s nearly the cocktail hour! At 21 minutes, we say, Give up! But no…we hung on until 21 minutes and 35 seconds passed…and it WAS time for a drink.
April 15th – D-Day – at 1:07 p.m. We decide to try the Kraft Foods number again, just to see how long it might take to get a person on D-Day. What luck! We get a person after 2 mins/45 secs…but, as we knew, there wasn’t much to learn. Then we figured, let’s try Eli Lilly again…and yes, she could help us. “My son has a fraction of a share of Eli Lilly - where I am still the custodian - and which arose when he cashed out while a dividend payment was still pending. How can we get rid of it?” “We can sell the shares for you.” “Will there be a charge for this?” “Yes” said she, reading from a playbook, we guess, “It’ll be fifteen dollars.” “Wait…we’re from New York. You wanna charge $15 to sell stock worth about two bucks?” “Let me transfer you to an account specialist” she volunteered…for whom we waited 3 ½ minutes…and after she heard our tale, “Can I put you on hold?” After a 15 full minutes expended, we were told that they could sell the fractional share, keep the two bucks and change…and waive the rest. Do YOU think we agreed to that?
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